Sure, it’s true—DOGE “doesn’t exist” anymore. However we’d by no means dream of letting it evaporate with out an exit interview. DOGE: It’s your flip to ship us a pointless, time-consuming e mail explaining what precisely it was that you just did right here.
Expensive America,
Methods to start to recount our monumental achievements? By no means have so few accomplished a lot to so many.
Just a few highlights …
We have been prepared to be weak. Shared vulnerability brings folks collectively, and by that metric, tens of millions of Individuals are actually nearer than once we began. What we are attempting to say is, we uploaded Social Safety information to the cloud in a worrisomely insecure method, as one whistleblower famous. Now we’re all in danger!
We tried new issues. The Institute of Peace briefly grew to become a battlefield. (An thrilling pivot!)
We took dangers. Cuts to the U.S. Forest Service made our nationwide forests extra harmful and dirtier. We have now elevated the chance of devastating wildfires and in addition hacked away on the forces that battle them. What can we are saying? Some males love to look at the world burn, and we’re some males. We have now additionally made it simpler for hurricanes to sneak up on us, so as to add one other thrilling component of hazard to the lives of common Individuals. We have now lengthy felt that within the battle of Man versus Nature, Man had an unfair benefit.
We saved some issues constant. Most individuals would agree that authorities inefficiencies exist and that somebody ought to deal with them. And after DOGE, folks really feel that solely extra strongly. Earlier than DOGE, programs meant to serve tens of millions of individuals have been being run by a number of harried workers utilizing outdated programs. And now, after DOGE, they’re being run by even fewer, even extra harried workers on those self same outdated programs! The ability of DOGE: to alienate even Leland Dudek, a person who began out keen to ask drastic turn into the Social Safety Administration.
We turned issues round, scientifically. Due to our tireless efforts, we’re on monitor to quickly be No. 2 in science on this planet! Folks thought they wouldn’t see American scientific dominance destroyed of their lifetime, however that simply reveals their failure of creativeness. Have you ever seen U.S. scientists lately? Those who haven’t already fled to Europe? Do you see how twitchy they’re? They don’t know in the event that they’ve received funding or not, as a result of we misinterpret their grant software and thought that it had one thing to do with Woke; they don’t know if their labs will exist in a yr; they don’t know in the event that they’ll even have the ability to get into the buildings the place they work. That is by design. With out mad scientists, how can we ever hope to guide the world in manufacturing of Frankenstein Monsters, genetically reengineered T. rexes, and moon-shrinking lasers? Our scientists are actually madder than they’ve ever been, and that’s solely because of DOGE.
We grew exponentially. We have now elevated waste and inefficiency to never-before-seen ranges! 5 hundred tons of lifesaving meals incinerated—at a value of 1000’s of {dollars}.
We modified lives. We have now remodeled the lives of 1000’s, within the sense that we’ve made these lives needlessly and unforgivably shorter. Due to the shutdown of USAID, tons of of 1000’s of individuals are actually useless.
We did one thing with billions of {dollars}! The very best half was all of the financial savings. Have been there financial savings? Each time we introduced quite a few {dollars} that our efforts had saved, it turned out that that quantity was improper. This gave everybody the chance to do math. Which is sweet to apply, as a result of the Division of Schooling is gone now. A lot of it’s being rolled into Labor, streamlining the journey from cradle to meeting line—and hopefully shortly, so we are able to make the most of these tiny fingers!
We created lawsuits! Don’t fear! Along with not saving cash, we additionally price folks cash. We did all the pieces in such a method as to multiply the variety of lawsuits at an astounding price. Coping with lawsuits is an extremely environment friendly technique to spend taxpayer {dollars}, since you pay tens of millions of {dollars} and get … motions and counter-motions, one thing all Individuals can use at residence and far choose to listeria-free lettuce.
Mission completed, I say! All the time a great signal when a workforce of innovators destroys billions of {dollars} of worth after which vanishes into skinny air! The Louvre burglars may study a factor or two.
So few folks, touching so many lives so profoundly. Subsequent time we’ll attempt to have a constructive influence.
